


I guess it’s Ineffable

by peach_dust



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peach_dust/pseuds/peach_dust
Summary: Years after the not-apocalypse, Crowley and Aziraphale begin the scariest journey of their life: parenthood. From their daughters perspective.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 3





	1. My mom knew how to fuck and I killed her

**Author's Note:**

> little bit of dub-con here, blink and you’ll miss it!

Chapter 1: My mum knew how to fuck and then I killed her

Before

It was a chilly night in the glowing city of London. Couples walked around corners, vendors shouted out products, and cars honked noisily. And Amelia Roderson didn’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe it had been stupid of her to head halfway across the world with no cash in the bank at 18 with no way of returning home, but it didn’t matter now. She wasn’t one to dwell on the past. What really mattered was money. Exactly what she didn’t have, with zero way to obtain it. It had been three days since she slept, and 6 since she’d had a proper meal.

Her eyes caught a man walking across the street. His eyes immediately met hers, and he strode over to the shop she was standing in front of. 

“Hello.” The man smirked and put out his hand. “Name’s Dantalion. Call me Dante.”

The first thing she noticed was the color of his eyes. They were a peculiar shade of brown, almost red.

“That’s a… nice name.” She bit her lip. “Fellow american?”

“Yeah…” He responded, sticking out his hand a bit more. “I think the polite thing to do is shake a person's hand back.” She tentatively shook his hand. “My name’s Amelia.”

“Well Amelia, I have a proposition for you.” Dante ran a hand through short red hair and smiled. 

She should have known then something was off. But to be fair, visual cues were never her thing.

No one's canines are that sharp. 

“I know you’re out of money, Amelia.” The stranger leaned in close to her face, his crooked smirk never leaving his face. She could only stare at his eyes.

Something was wrong with his pupils.

“What- How do you know that?” She took a step back, but he followed.

“But more than that, I can tell you’re hungry.” Her stomach grumbled as if on cue. “What if I told you I could help you out with that?”

She couldn’t move. “What do you mean?” 

He leaned in even closer, just inches from her face. “I want something from you.” His well manicured hands plucked a curly strand of her hair away from her ear. “I always was a sucker for blondes.” He almost purred.

“My proposition is this: come up with me to my hotel room,” Dante absentmindedly flicked a finger to a complex behind them, “and I’ll help out with your… finance problem.”

“No, are you crazy?” Amelia jumped back from him. “I’m not a- you’ve got the wrong idea man. No.”

But instead of leaving, he chuckled turning away from her. The light caught on what looked like a cat scratch scar over his eyes. “Oh honey, you don’t want to deny me.” The smirk was back, and his eyes glinted. 

Amelia’s heart pounded in her chest. “What are you going to do?” Her voice raising.

“Oh no, I won’t force myself on you.” He brushed his fingers along her skin. “Such pretty freckles.” He murmured. “It just seems like you won’t last much longer the way you’re making out.”

They both glanced down at her increasingly visible ribs. 

“I know humans can’t last long without water, or shelter, or food.”

It all dawned on Amelia. No job, no shelter, no one willing to help.

If her mother could see her now.

“Okay.”

Sharp nails grabbed her arm, and they were off.  
Five Months Later

“Shit.”

Amelia Roderson was pregnant.

Dante had been honest about paying her- the first time he’d paid 2,000 for the hour they were together.

But the money had run out, and there he was again. Sitting on a chair outside a grubby dive, smoking what looked like a cigarette but didn’t smell like one. 

And she had done it again. 3 more times.

She set the pregnancy test down on the counter, hands shaking.

She should have realized sooner. 

But it was too late for an abortion, and she wasn’t about to do anything that would kill her. 

So the only thing left to do was give it up for adoption. 

Three Months Later

This was happening too quickly.

She didn’t know a whole lot about Pregnancy, but she looked big- way too big to be 5 months pregnant.

She hadn’t seen Dante after she found out she was positive. Maybe he knew somehow. She filed through stacks of adoption agency papers, sinking down in a chair. Her stomach cramped up.

Was having these many stomach aches in one day normal either? Amelia wished again for her mother’s guidance. But she had made her decision when she walked out of those doors. No going back.

She bit her lip as another wave of pain hit her body.

Three hours later

Giving birth on the bathroom floor was something she had never planned to do.  
Then again, this year was full of surprises. 

Amelia was crying.

It’s too early! She thought frantically, grabbing onto the shower curtain. My landlords going to kill me, popped into her head at the same time. 

With another scream, the pain dulled.

A baby's cries filled the dusty room. 

Oh my god.

Her baby was born on a bath towel.

Great.

She cracked open the window above her to let some air in. Picking the baby up in her arms as gently as possible, she started to cry.

“Hi. Hi.” The baby’s cries started to quiet down. “I’m your mom. And you’re here too soon!” She giggled through the hiccups. Pain flared up again, but she didn’t seem to notice. 

“I won’t get to name you, and I’m sorry. But I love you, okay?”

The baby, her daughter curled into her chest. She didn’t notice the copious amounts of blood dripping down her legs. The world seemed too fuzzy.

“You’re going to be so loved.”

She was so tired. Why was she so tired right now?

As she closed her eyes, the bathroom door opened.


	2. Shit hits the fan for my dad and father because of my cursed existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Crowley and Aziraphale meet their child.

(3rd Person)

Chapter 2: Shit hits the fan for Dad and Father because of my cursed existence

_________

“Well that was delicious!” Aziraphale exclaimed to Crowley. “I just mean- wow! I thought the Ritz couldn’t get better!

Crowley opened the passenger door to the Bentley for him. “I’m glad you liked it, Angel.”

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy began playing through the speakers as they drove through town. This was how every night was now, Ritz, driving, wine, and Golden Girls. Romance isn’t that hard when you’ve been in love for 6,000 years.

“Why don’t we drive through this part of town?” Crowley suggested, pointing to a neon colored alley. Any time spent listening to Aziraphale ramble on about custards was a good time spent to him.

They drove through the busy street, gazing at the humans making their way through the night. As they drove closer to a dark flat complex, a feeling of dread pierced his heart.

He had the distinct notion their night was about to take a turn.

____________

Something made him stop talking about the lamb roast that night.

Aziraphale glanced over at Crowley in the driver's seat, the demon meeting his eyes through dark glasses.

“Somethings wrong,” both said, glancing at the singular flat window with it’s lights on. 

Suddenly, a scream, too muffled for human ears to pick up, reached their ears.

“Pull over!” He said to his husband, who was already doing just that. rushed out the door, and ran up to the buzzer in front of the building.

“Oh no, we don’t know what room they’re in!” he cried to Crowley.

“I doubt someone going to answer either way! Let’s go!” they ran past the bored looking doorman into the building and up the stairs. 

“I can smell something demonic,” Crowley called “It’s faint, but it’s definitely coming from floor 8.” The couple ran up the remaining states as fast as inhumanly possible. But just as they were about to burst through the 13th door, Aziraphale stopped.

“There’s… something unusual…” He stammered, confused. “It’s love… a lot of it… did we uh… interrupt something?”

Crowley paused for a second, thinking it over. “Maybe-” The demon stiffened. “Nope, nope, nope, there’s blood and a lot of it.”

The leather clad demon kicked the door, stumbling back.

“My dear boy, we can miracle it.” Aziraphale murmured. The door swung open, and the two of them ran in. Everything was quiet.

And then he sensed the death coming from the bathroom.

He ran over, and swung open the chipping door.

____________

“Holy Shit.” 

For a second, all they can do is stare at it all. Then Aziraphale moves forward, picking the baby out of the woman’s arms.

“Hello little one.” The baby squirms around. Crowley continues to stare at it all. 

Aziraphale walks over to Crowley, gingerly carrying the girl. “Love, I need you to hold her.”

“Wait, why?” He stammers at the angel. “I shouldn’t, I’ll hurt the thing-”

“I need to check if the mother is dead.”

Crowley silently takes the baby, still looking at his husband in half awe and terror. 

The baby quiets, and he glances down.

“She’s dead.” Aziraphale sighs. “I’ll call 911 and tell them about all of …this.” 

Crowley can’t respond.

“Crowley, dear, are you alright?”

Aziraphale paces back over. “What’s wrong-”

The baby has blood red eyes that are staring up at him with what can only be described as love.

A bright light fills the room.

______  
It’s too much.

“GOD????” Aziraphale shrieks. This is the first contact made by heaven or hell in the year since the apocalypse. 

“Hello my children.” Her voice fills the room. Both the angel and demon stare at the glowing mass in front of them.

“The child in Crowley’s arms is not human, as you can probably already tell.” The baby gurgles in response.

“She is the first half demon, half human child in the universe. For now, her red eyes are the only physical demonic thing about her. That will change. She’ll age as any human does until those changes happen, mentally however, and some physical aspects, that’s to be seen.”

“Why are you telling us this?” Crowley asks.

“Because she is your child.”

They both stop.

“What?” Aziraphale panics.

God laughs. “Do not be afraid. The demon responsible created her for Lucifer, but Lucifer has no intent of taking her either. Dantalion, her father, will want her back. But she is yours.”

“Why????” They both cry.

“Because you will love her like no other of my children could. You two, who have defied all logic and your own nature for each other, are the only ones with such capacity to love. I know it. You know it. And you love children. I know that soon, she’ll be your everything. Goodbye my children. I’ll take care of the rest. Go onwards.”

And with that, the light disappears. 

“God-Satan- AH!” Crowley yelps.

The baby giggles.


	3. 3a- fuckin around, bein a baby and shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the new parents try to parent.

Chapter 3: Fuckin around, bein a baby and shit

Crowley

Welp.

We pile back into the Bentley, pulling away from the flat complex. Police cars start to pull in as I speed down the road.

“Crowley dear, PLEASE slow down.” Aziraphale whispers, trying not to wake up the sleeping baby in his arms.

Our baby.

As I glance over, I can now see she has little blond coils of hair. She’s got a tiny nose, and little hands. Hands that are still grabbed to Aziraphale’s finger as she sleeps. Her eyelids flutter as she naps, and she almost, almost looks like she could be Aziraphale and I’s child-

“Nope!!!! I am not getting attached!!!” I hiss as quietly as I can. Aziraphale just sighs quietly. 

“Let’s go home.”

I pull into our usual spot in front of the book store. Aziraphale carefully lifts himself out of the car, and I usher him inside. We tiptoe up the stairs to the small apartment we share, and we share a look as we realize that it’ll soon be too small for a child.

I miracle a crib in the center of the room, and he lowers her in. Hovering over the black cradle, he smiles. “Well, she is quite cute.”

I smile. “That she is.” The baby is dressed in a little red onesie that one of us put on at some point. 

“Well… do you want to go to bed? I guess?” I ask, not sure what we’re supposed to do now.

“Sure.” We hesitantly step away from the crib and go to the bedroom we share.

After a couple minutes, we just lay in bed, staring at each other.

“Crowley…” Aziraphale pauses, “We’re parents.”

“I guess we are.” 

______________

Aziraphale

When I blink my eyes open, I just stare out the window at the gray sky, admiring the world.

And then I remember the baby.

With a start I jump up and shake Crowley awake.

“Ngnk…” Crowley rolls over, hissing.

“CROWLEY WAKE UP!!!!” I cry, and he jumps up.

“What???? Angel???” He stares at me, startled.

“AREN’T BABIES SUPPOSED TO CRY AT NIGHT????”

He stares at the wall for a moment, and his yellow eyes widen. “I think they are! Oh no, did we-”

“WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR, WE HAVE TO CHECK!!!!”

Crowley jumps out of the bed, but gets caught in his sheets and falls to the floor. I dash to the crib still sitting in the living room and peer in to see the baby staring up at me, red eyes full of impatience.

“SHE’S FINE!!!” I cry, and I hear Crowley sigh from the other room. He trodds over as I scoop her up, looking at her. She seems almost grumpy as she looks at me.

“Is she hungry?” Crowley asks from behind me.

“I guess so?” I miracle a bottle and gingerly hands it to her. “Here, uh, are you hungry?”

“Angel you can’t do it like that.” Crowley says and takes the bottle from me, sticking it in her mouth at an angle. She starts drinking.

“Well I wasn’t the Nanny.”

“Warlock wasn’t a baby when we started, what did you think I did, bottle feed a 4 year old?”

“I don’t know! All my experience with kids comes with ones a bit older than this!”

She finishes the bottle and Crowley passes her over to me and he walks into the kitchen. We make eye contact again. Her eyes seem oddly intelligent for such a small child. Crowley comes back with a tea towel and begins burping her. 

“We can’t keep calling her “baby” forever.” I say, watching her vomit on the towel.  
“I know, do you have any suggestions?” He tosses the towel into the bathroom and smiles when I make a noise of disdain.

“I don’t know yet…”

“Then we’ll name her when we know her.”

_________

I’m bouncing the baby under Crowley’s well maintained garden. She looks around, big eyes full of curiosity.

“That one’s his favorite.” I point to the huge plant in the corner, the one that towers over all the rest. She grabs at the air with her chubby fist.

“You want to go see it?” I walk her over, and hold her next to the green leaves. To my surprise, instead of grabbing at it, she gently strokes it with a finger.

“Look at you, so gentle.” I tickle her on her stomach. “Little leaf girl. My little leaf.”

______

Crowley

Days go by with the new baby. Aziraphale and I settle into the routine of childcare, but it’s much easier than most humans have it. She needs food, but doesn’t go to the bathroom and sleeps through the night. She’s got quite the personality too.

One day, as I watch tv, I turn into a snake. She squeals with delight as I slither over to her.

What do you want with me, child? I think, amused at her smile.

I hiss at her playfully, and I see her pause.

She hisses back, a tiny “ssss” noise escaping her mouth.

I transform back and laugh and she keeps hissing at me.

Aziraphale watches from the corner.

“I have a name for her.” He says,“I was thinking of Eden.”

“Works for me.” I turn back to Eden, as she stares at the ceiling fan with a curious expression. 

And so the child; our child’s name is Eden Jay Aziraphale Crowley.

Sorry kid, but it suits you. 

_____

One day, I pick up Eden and swing her around in my arms as Aziraphale reads downstairs.  
“Listen.” I say. My daughter looks up at me with her ruby eyes. “I won’t always do this right.”

She just stares and stares with eyes that hold the stars I once designed so long ago.

“I won’t always be the father you need. I’ll get angry, and I’ll shout, and I’ll fuck things up.” Eden blinks.

“But I’ll always love you. I promise that.”

And as if she understands what I’m saying, she links my pinkie with hers. 

______

Aziraphale

Newt drops the phone when we tell him about Eden.

Anathema picks it up a second later.

“Wow! That’s unexpected!” She laughs. “Our Penny will have a birthday buddy then.” Newt and Anathema’s daughter was born two days after Eden.

Shadwell sternly lectures us about nipple count on babies, and Madame Tracy just congratulates us. 

Adam wants to know when he can meet her, and I’m not really sure what to tell him.

“Crowley, dear, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Yes, Angel?” 

I bounce Eden nervously in my arms. “Well, as you can see, this apartment is a bit, uh, cramped.” Crowley glances around at the mountains of baby supplies covering the apartment head to toe.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you reckon that maybe it’s time for a bigger space?”

He pauses, slitted eyes flitting at the mountain of clothes sitting in the corner. “What were you thinking of?”

“Lower tadfield.”

________

The move is completed in a few days. We’re in the cottage across from Anathema’s home. It’s quite cozy, and I can tell that Crowley’s particularly proud of the nursery.

The room is full of creams, with black and red accents. The black cradle sits against the wall, next to a rocking chair and stuffed animals. There’s a bookshelf in the corner, and stars hang from the ceiling.

Eden seems very happy. And so are we.


	4. 4- toddler shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the terrible twos hit, along with a visitor from the past

Two years later  
___  
Eden  
___

There’s a cat outside.

I waddle, indignantly, to the door and push as hard as I can.

The cat is ruby red with eyes to match. 

I clap my hands and sit down next to him.

His eyes look like mine.

The cat starts moving closer when I let out a wail. Daddy gets there first, shooing away the kitty with a broom while scooping me up.

The cat looks at me again and slinks back into the bushes. 

I’ll remember him. 

____  
Crowley  
____

It’s a normal spring afternoon when I slither outside, picking out a rock to sun on, when I spot Eden toddling along my strawberry bushes. Now that she’s more than a baby who’s only thoughts are tiddies and sleeping, Angel and I have been trying to make sure we’re more human.

Well, as human as a dad with snake eyes can be.

I try to slither back inside as fast as possible, silently cursing Angel in my head for not being with her, when I hear a squeal.

Shit.

Eden comes toddling up, mouth stained pink with my berries, and plunks down next to me. My mind flashes between scolding her for not being careful, or acting like a normal snake.

“Hisppshshhhssss”

Oh, fuck me in the ass with a flaming sword.

Eden looks at me, ruby eyes a little too knowing for such a tot, and giggles again. She stands up, and I feel two sticky hands wrap around my tail. Before I can decide whether to transform back or play dead, she begins swinging me around in a circle.

What in the name of fucking satan are we feeding her???

That’s the last thing I can think of before I am sent spiraling at the side of the house.

And that’s not even the scariest part.

The worst part is that she’s cackling as I thump onto the bricks, and I realize she’s just like me in so many ways.

Oh no, when she talks, she’s going to be a little demon.


	5. 5- Penny and others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eden is now five, and as the years go by, she becomes a bit more of a handful.

Three years later  
____  
Crowley  
____

“Look! That one’s ursa major, and I’m pretty proud of it. Can you say Ursa Major?” I plead as a last ditch attempt to get my daughter to speak.

Nothing. Nada. Zero.

I know the doctor said she’s just taking her time on speaking, but I want her to do it. So badly.

She just gives me a knowing look and peers up at the stars through her mini telescope.

Later that night, I sit with Aziraphale in the living room as Eden sleeps. “Why won’t she just talk already!!!” I groan and slump into the couch. Aziraphale just shrugs and continues knitting. “She’s just biding her time.” 

“Yes I know she’s biding her time! But why?” Aziraphale gives me a look over his glasses. “I want her to speak as much as you. Yesterday I even performed the entirety of a Peppa Pig episode to try and get her to ridicule me. She just laughed and shook her head. We know she’s smart, I mean look at her. She takes the books I read and reads them herself. We have to be patient.”

“Wait wait, back up.” I smile, and Aziraphale groans. “You performed what?”

“Yes I know!! But I thought it would work. Plus she knows how much I hate that show and antagonizes me with it!” 

I laugh at Aziraphale's expression of pleading. “You know, I’d like to see it.”

“No.”

“Oh come on! Why not?”

“No!”

“For me?” I look at him over my glasses and see him purse his lips.

“Georgie!” He begins in a high pitch voice.

I begin howling with laughter as he cries for me to quiet down. 

__________  
Penny  
____

“Hi Eden!”

Eden sits under a willow tree, reading some kind of big book. I run over to her side, plunking down next to her. 

“Woah, thats a big book! I can’t read that much yet.” My best friend laughs a little and shakes her head. 

“Do you want to go swing?” Eden nods and I grab her hand. We start running to the small playground on the hill my daddy made for us. It’s got a swingset, a slide, and even a sandbox!

We reach the swings and hop on, still holding hands. The breeze pushes us in the wind.

“Can I ask you something?” Eden nods her head. “Can you talk?” Eden nods again.

I’m confused. “Have you ever?” She shakes her head this time.

“Why?” She shrugs and looks at me.

“Well, I just wanted to let you know that I don’t care.” The breeze pushes us a little harder, making her giggle. “You’re my best friend even if you don’t want to talk yet.”

Eden jumps up off of her swing and hugs me tight.

It’s going to be a good day. 

_____  
Crowley  
_____

I’m taking Eden with me as we go shopping. She holds onto my hand as we walk through the aisles.

“You know, cheese is one of humanity's weirdest inventions.” I point at the mozzarella, rambling aimlessly. “Who looks at a cow and goes “ah yes, lets milk it and make it sour.” 

Eden stiffens beside me, her eyes widening. 

“What’s wrong Honey?” I bend down, concerned. She’s not the kid to get nervous easily. One time I saw her dress Dog up in leather, a feat not even I’d attempt. ‘Afraid of the cheese like I am?”

And in a voice clear as day, she says. “He’s here dad. The man who made me. He wants me back.”

I scoop her up and sprint out the door, tomatoes and bread left behind. I buckle her into her car seat and speed off, leaving the grocers in the distance. It’s not until we’ve been driving for 5 minutes at 90 mph speed that she exhales and looks up at me. “Thank you, dad.”

“How did you know?”

“I could sense him in all his feline glory” She pauses, looking at me. “He looks like a bitch.”

I nearly crash the car.

___________

20 minutes later, we sit in a bakery, munching on pastries. 

“So, you talk.” I point my croissant at her.

“I do.” 

“Why not until now?”

She shrugs and takes a pull of chocolate milk. “Once you start talking, you can’t just stop. I also wanted my first words to be iconic.”

“Oh yeah, like what?” I sip on my coffee.

“I know you two are an a.n.g.e.l and a d.e.m.o.n. Would have been a shocker at dinner.”

I spit out my coffee.

“You can’t just go around saying that!”

“Oh please dad, I’m not an idiot.” She waves around her milk like it’s wine. “Penny’s mum and dad are perfectly normal, if you don’t count the whole witch thing. No snake incidents, no accidental wings, etc.”

“Ah shit, you remembered that!!!”

“You underestimate my powers of intellect, father of mine.”

I realize that my daughter is indeed a little too much like me. 

“Well, tell me everything I need to know about you, then.”

“My favorite food is grilled cheese, drink of choice is chocolate milk. Best Friend is Penny Pulsifier. I look stunning in black and red, aka I’m a goth icon.”

“I need to stop letting you hang around The Them. 16 year olds are not helping you.”

“Shut the fuck up before I start screaming that you’re not my dad.”

“Oh my fucking Satan.”

___________  
Aziraphale  
____

I’m making dinner when Eden and Crowley walk in the door, no groceries in sight.

“I thought I told you to pick up food.” I yell over.

“Yes, but Dantalion the bastard decided to show up so we got pasteries instead!” 

I drop my knife.

“YOU TALK???”


	6. *megan thee stallion tongue noises*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eden is a lot to handle part 10000

______  
Eden  
___

Dad leans over me and hisses “No cursing in front of daddy!”

I shrug. “Fuck off.”

Daddy stands in the kitchen, eyes bugging out of his head.

“Yes daddy, I talk. I was keeping track of my first words for you, in case the worst demon in the world couldn’t keep track of them while whisking me out of danger.”

I ignore dad’s protests and repeat back everything that’s happened. Daddy just stares. “I missed your first words.” He looks sad.

I walk up to him and hug him on his leg. “It’s alright. You’re equal with dad now on the first’s. I mean, walking for the first time because I wanted to use your bowtie as a slingshot is pretty iconic.”

Dad and Daddy start talking about lying about first steps, so I wander off into the kitchen and scoop the knife off of the floor. Very carefully, I pull down a dish and poke my finger, squeezing out a drop of my blood.

“I need both a band-aid and a microscope please!” I shout, distracting them from their little dick measuring contest.

“Eden!” They gasp as they see my finger. I roll my eyes. “Oh please, I’m fine. It was intentional. Could I have that microscope now?”

They begin lecturing me about knife safety as I grab the microscope off of the top shelf.

“I have to do everything around here and I’m even shorter than Daddy.” I poke at them, smiling.

Smearing the blood on the slide, I start adjusting the light. They finally stop talking about the dangers of a knife and start watching what I’m doing.

It’s just as I thought.

My cells are battling each other. My human cells, for now, have a strong coating around them. The smaller, less common demonic black cells are poking at them unsuccessfully. A demon cell splits in half.

“I’m looking at my human cells and my demon cells.” I say.

“For now, the human cells are going to stay human. But it seems like the older I get, the more demon cells will appear. Eventually they’ll turn me.”

I look up at my dads. “That’s all I needed to know, sorry for scaring you. Also, public school is not a good option, if you can already tell.”

They glance at each other, worried. “I can teach myself, don’t worry.”

“Now do you hoes want to watch the motherfucking wiggles or not?”

______  
Aziraphale  
___  
Mother, give me strength.

My little angel is still an angel, don’t get me wrong. Brings drinks for everybody, saves butterflies in spider webs, and braid’s Penny’s hair when she’s sad as always. I’d like to think she gets that from me.

However, she’s very… unique.

I’m reading Sappho’s original poetry when I hear the worst beebop pouring out of Eden’s room, drowning out my classical music. I sigh, and get up to open the door when I hear her voice join in.

“FEW TIMES IVE BEEN ROUND THAT TRACK SO IT’S NOT JUST GONNA HAPPEN LIKE THAT-”

I fling open the door.

Eden is violently, violently twerking to the song, throwing it back in such a way that I am sure I will soak my eyes in holy water later. 

“CUZ I AINT NO HOLLA- oh hi Daddy!” Eden stops doing the dance and turns down the music. “Do you want me to teach you how to twerk like a thiccy legend? I bet Dad would really, realllllyyyyyy like it!”

5 seconds later, Eden sits in the corner, writing a paper on why making such allusions, dancing provocatively, and singing a song about whatever Gwen Stefani was talking about.

It doesn’t help the situation that Crowley giggles to me about it for the rest of the week.


	7. Questioning shit and also beating enemies up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eden begins to understand the world around her more than anyone would like her to.

______  
Eden  
___

“Where is my mum?” I ask one day, fist curled into Daddy’s shirt. Dad lifts his hand off my back in shock, then places it back down.

“She passed away, my little leaf.” Daddy softly strokes my hair.

A sick feeling fills my stomach.

“Okay.”

_________

Penny and I sip on juice boxes behind her mum’s apple tree. I pass Penny a red crayon so she can finish her drawing of me and her. I take the sky blue for her shirt in my drawing.

“Are you almost done with your drawing?” I slurp my fruit punch.

“Almost.” Her tongue pokes out of her mouth as she concentrates. I add a slight wave to her hair. “Me too.”

“Let’s show each other on three.” She beams. “Okay!”

We count then hold up our drawings. Her drawing depicts us holding hands with our juice boxes. Mine is us under the tree.

Her face darkens. “Yours is better.”

I’m taken aback. “No way! You have my freckles, which is something I forgot. You also have your pretty necklace.”

“You’re wrong!” She shouts. “Mine sucks. I’m ripping it up!” She starts to rip the paper. I grab it out of her hand before she gets all the way through. 

“I promise it’s my favorite! And just to show you, I’m going to keep it forever.” I fold it up and stick it in the pocket of my jeans.   
She wipes the tear on her face. “Really?”

“Really. Now, what’s really wrong?” I grab her hand. “You can tell me.”

Penny sniffles. “People are being mean to me at school.”

I freeze. “Who?” 

“Jamie, down the street.” She points to a house around the corner, half concealed by bushes away. “He told me I was stupid and ugly.”

“He’s wrong.” I nod my head.”You are the prettiest, inside and out, Penny. And by the fucking way, you're really smart. I promise I'm right. You read Harry Potter to everyone else, for fucks sake!.”

She looks up at me. “Are you sure?”

I wipe away another tear. “100,000 %. Did you tell your mum?”

She shakes her head.

“You have to tell your mum, Penny.”

She shakes her head. 

“Why?”

“She’ll be mad at me.” 

I hug her. “No way in hell she’ll be. Now go inside and tell her, for me. I’ll be right back.”

She goes inside, and I sprint to the bastard's house. I ring the doorbell and wait, my fists balled.

The suspect answers the door. “Who are you?” He squints at my eyes. “What’s wrong with your eyes?”

“Shut the hell up you fucking bitch! Eat my ass! And then choke! Whore!!”

I punch him in the nose as hard as possible. There’s a crack and he screams as I do a mad dash back to Penny’s yard. I run inside and try to stop the bleeding from my knuckles. Penny walks next to me. “What happened to your knuckles?”

“Nothing. Did you tell your mum?”

“Yeah, she’s yelling at the boy’s mum now.”

“Good. Let’s go see if we can play with Dog.”

________  
Age 8

I’m eating toast while reading when the doorbell rings. This isn’t a super unusual experience, but it’s 12:30, meaning Penny’s still at school. 

I open the door to reveal two strangers. The one on the left is a man with violet eyes, and the person on the right is covered in flies.

“Hello… poppet.” The fly person says, sneering. “Are your… daddies home?”

They’re obviously a demon and angel.

I sigh. “No. What do you want, fly person?”

The man smiles his violet eyes holding no warmth. “That’s no way to talk to your elders.”

I smirk. “Come inside. Please.” I wave my arms in a mocking manner.

The two glance at each other and step inside the house. I guide them to the loveseat in the living room. “Have a seat, as guests in my home.”

The two fall into the chair, making eye contact once more. I sigh.

“What do you want?”

They just look at me. 

I turn away and turn on the TV, the sounds of animal planet filling the air. Violet man picks something under his nail, muttering something to fly bro. “You know, the polite thing to do when entering a stranger’s home is to tell them your names.”

“I’m the archangel fucking gabriel.” The man smirks, cocky. 

“Well I don’t care who you stick your cock in, tell me your name.” I say back, mocking his cocky smile. His friend starts laughing at him, pointing a crude finger at the expression on his face.

“And you?” I ask, eyes not turning away from the screen.

“Lord Beelzebub.”

“Ah, okay. Parents really hated you or something? Failed abortion?” It’s Gabriel’s turn to be laughing now. 

Dad and Daddy won’t be home for at least 30 more minutes. I glance at the cat clock on the wall. I have to buy my time until then. If only there was some way to warn them, but I’m pretty much defenseless for now. Just to keep them distracted.

I smile. That’s what I’m good at. 

___  
Crowley  
___

I’m pulling into the driveway with Aziraphale when I see it. A car so disgustingly shiny bright and a smaller, deep purple one falling apart at the hinges. Two cars that could only reflect the bad taste of their owners. Aziraphale grabs my arm.

“My dear boy, Eden’s still inside.” He looks gray. We spent a good 9 years with no contact and BAM. You almost wish they’d phone ahead.

“I know, I know.” glance to the closed curtains and back to him. “Should we go inside?”

Aziraphale looks positively green, reflecting my own mood. “I don’t know, it could put her in more danger.”

I think I might be sick.

___  
Eden  
___

“Gabriel, you look stunning in that boa, I must say.” I remark as I pour him more tea from daddies china. “Sugar?”

Gabriel’s purple eyes look dead inside. I’m pretty sure neither will hurt me, but they both have beef with dad and daddy. 

Gabriel coughs. “1 cube please.” I slip the cube in his cup, and he makes a face as he tastes the salt. I turn to Beelzebub, who is barely containing their rage. 

“Enough of this!” They snarl. “I am a Lord of Hell, Lord of Flies, and Hell’s Army Commander! I will not-”

I gently push dad’s sunglasses on their head and readjust their tartan bow tie. “Yes yes, I’m sure you’re quite good at it too. Now may we continue with tea? Mind your fucking manners.” I pick up a fairy cake. “For you.”

Dad and Daddy burst in the door, carrying a water squirter, a flaming sword, and both screaming.

Beelzebub and Gabriel stare up at them, in complete shock.

“WHOOPSIE!!!” I spill the fake sugar dish all around Beelzebub. “Oh no, I‘ve made such a mess, PLEASE DO let me clean it up.” I lean over dramatically and pick up the small candle I set earlier. “HMM!” I glance at Gabriel. “It would be suchhhhh a shame if I dropped this on your HIGHLY FLAMMABLE cashmere scarf.” We both look at his scarf and at each other. “Nasty discorpiration, burning alive…” I glance back to my dads, who look flabbergasted. 

“Care to join us for tea?” I pick up the pot and smile sweetly. “I’ve got earl grey.”


	8. I’m getting older, ig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eden is getting older, to nobodies joy.

________  
Eden  
Age 10

I brush Penny’s hair, focusing on the snarls on the back of her hair. She screams the lyrics to the KE$HA song blasting through my phone. This is pretty much our Friday night routine at this point. 

“HOW WAS YOUR DAY?” I yell over lyrics about parties and bottles of jack. 

“GOOD!!! HOW WAS YOURS?” I click off the music.

“Hey!” She grumbles. 

“Sorry, I wanted to talk to you without having my fucking eardrums explode. My day was boring up until you came over.”

“You flatter me.” Penny flops down on the bed, staring up at the stars hanging from my ceiling.

“I really don’t. You’re the highlight of my day.” I flop down on the duvet next to her.

“Aww, love you too dirtbag.”

“My dads @ me.”

“No way, your dads would burn the earth if you stubbed your toe.”

“No, they like the drinks too much.” I laugh and push her. “You act like your mom wouldn’t break someone’s neck if they insulted you. Your dad would cheer her on.” I giggle.

“Does it ever feel like too much to you?” She turns to me, expression worried. “Like your parents are constantly suffocating you?”

“...Now that you mention it, yeah. I’ll cough in the night and dad is in his nightgown hovering over me. Parents who don’t need sleep never let you do just that. Sleep.”

Penny looks at me, brown eyes behind giant oval glasses. “You’re great.”

“I know.”

I get hit in the face with a pillow.

But hearing her laugh makes it worth it.

________  
Eden

It just slips out.

It shouldn't even be that big of a deal.

But for the first time out of my head, I call my angel dad Father.

He freezes and looks at me, blue eyes full of confusion. 

“Since when am I Father?”

I shrug. “Daddy didn’t seem right anymore. Penny stopped calling Newt Daddy long ago.”  
I don’t meet his eyes, feeling the hurt come off of him in waves.

“Alright, Father it is.”

___  
Aziraphale  
___

She called me “Father.”

She’s growing up.

It’s not fair.

For humans it isn’t like this; they grow older with their children.

I look in the mirror and I’ve had the same face for 6,000 years.

She’s not my baby anymore.

_______  
Eden  
___

I’m over at Penny’s sitting at the counter while I wait for her to get out of the bath, when Anathema starts putting on tea for me.

I watch as she moves around the little kitchen, stirring honey in mason jars and taking out cookies from a tray.

That sick feeling fills my stomach.

What happened to my mum?

It’s not like I need a mum or need a replacement, Father and Dad are all I need.

I just wish she could make tea for me like this once.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!!! i appreciate any feedback you can give me!!!


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